What a perfect way to start the morning, with a devotion that convicts yet is covered with grace, love and Truth. How often do I take time I can spend with the Lord for granted, filling it with other things that to the world is important… to the Kingdom, it is not. God longs for me to know Him more than anyone else ever could. He wants to give me things to enhance and define my character, to strengthen me and prepare me for whatever the future brings. At this point in my life, a lot of things are up in the air, and I’m turning to the world to fulfill me, when really I should be turning straight to God. The provider and caretaker for all who believe in Him. 

Never would I have imagined what would take place 4 years ago on the Monday before Fall Retreat. I went into the weekend with no idea on what to expect, not really knowing anyone other than a couple upperclassmen. I would have never thought that I would come back to campus completely changed from the inside out, and with friends who would be a part of my life forever! I continue to praise God for all that He has done, is doing and will do in my life.

Sophomore Year (2007) with Lauren Lewis, Renee Garcia, Lauren Curran/Jeltes and Kacy Willey/Martz.

Junior Year (2008) “Legend of the Hidden Temple” with Alison Steffy, Devon Latimer and Kristy Farren

Senior Year (2009) with Alison Steffy and Kristy Farren

First Cru Intern Year (2010) with Kristy Farren and Travis Ell

“You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine.” Psalm 4:7 (NLT)

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12 (NIV)

Finding joy in the midst of trials, regardless of my circumstance… one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn. It’s right up there with patience and self-control. Everyday emotional joy comes from a cup of coffee, a good night’s sleep, good community and fellowship with friends I love, new hobbies, time to read a book, an enjoyable day spent on campus with my girls, a new sweater or pair of jeans, a clean house… however, I have been learning that when that surfaced emotional joy leaves (every now and then it does), what am I left with? Absolutely nothing. I’d want to sleep all day and never leave my bed, eat comfort food and brownies all day and night, waste my time and be completely drained that I wouldn’t even be able to fake a smile. Okay, maybe not to that extent… but you get the idea.

I couldn’t ask for a more understanding and patient group of friends, family and boyfriend. They are so loving and supportive of me. I am blessed to have them! I have a very rewarding job, great roommates, and I am blessed beyond measure for having a church family who loves me and where I can be involved in any desired capacity. I cannot look at my life without seeing how GOOD God has been to me and how loving He is.

This fall so far has had it’s challenges. I have found it really hard to engage myself in the things and people I love and it has caused a strange tension within my heart. What all of this boils down to is my source of Joy. I recognize the work of God in my life, in my relationships, and I can feel His leading and guidance. He is a God who is ALL faithful, so I have rarely doubted His goodness and presence. However, I have noticed that it is to others things where I have been searching for joy… all of my broken cisterns that I continue to run to. Campus, work, busy schedule, relationships, my new found love and obsession with Pinterest. None of these things have been satisfying the deepest part of my soul. If I confess with my mouth that the Lord is good and don’t believe it in my heart, there is a huge piece of the puzzle missing.

“If I gave you a sweater, and you loved it, I would know because you would wear it out so much you’d be on the verge of wearing it out, because you loved it that much. It would be the sweater you wear on Christmas and to get coffee and that you sleep in sometimes and that you drag around in the back of your car and tie around your waist. It would start to smell like you, and it would get snags and get all stretched out, and just looking at it would make you tell a thousand stories of where it’s been and who you’ve been in it.” (Shauna Niequist; Cold Tangerines).

This morning I woke up with a desire to change. I woke up with a longing in my heart to become the woman God desires of me. I do realize that this is something that will not happen in a 24-hour time period, or even in a week or a month, but it’s a change that happens over an entire lifetime. Staff have three weeks left here in Ocean City, NJ. That means three weeks of staff meetings and development, discipleship times, sharing on the boardwalk, days where you are able to spend hours immersed in God’s Word and engaged in fellowship with a body of Believers, who are passionate about walking in the Holy Spirit. It also means three weeks of living with 5 other wonderful staff girls, stuffing myself with the deliciousness of Kohrs Brothers frozen custard, Katina’s gyros, time of relaxation out in the sunshine on our porch and/or the beach, intimate time in prayer and reflection, and the amusement of seeing numerous people walking around with giant 20 oz WaWa coffee mugs or half gallons of sweet tea… It’s a different lifestyle which I have fallen in love with.

The “sweater” that Shauna Niequist is describing (in one of my favorite books of the year), is what I want the last three weeks of “life” that I have here on Summer Project to be like. I want it to be a well-loved gift. If I were to think that Project is over and God is done working, then I would be depriving myself (and other people) of everything that God still has in store.

Since being on Project, there have been numerous things that have taken precedent over my heart. Relationships back home, my own stubbornness and need for control, the ability and my desire to indulge in delicious foods and even social networking. All of these things have become distractions for me in one way or another. I woke up this morning realizing that if I don’t take full advantage of 1) what this Project has to offer and 2) what God wants to teach me while I’m here, then I am going to miss out on the full potential of what God may have in store for me by the end of it. As I humble myself and try to detach myself from these things, I will in turn make myself more available to God. He is my ultimate comfort, desire and goal.

“God gives us something amazing when He gives us life, and I want to live with gratitude. I want to live in a way that shows how much I appreciate the gift. If life were a sweater, I would wear it every day. I wouldn’t save it or keep it for a special occasion. I would find every opportunity to wear that sweater, and I’d wear it proudly, shamelessly, for days on end” (Shauna Niequist).

My first drive into Ocean City, on NJ-52 was full of anticipation and excitement for the unknown. Everything that would happen in the next 30 minutes would help generate my first impression of where I would be spending the next two months of my life on Project. It would be the first time I’d drive on the roads, smell the beach, hear the noise, taste the salty air, see where I would be living and what the famous “Ambassador’s Inn” would really look like. All of these things combined would create this belief and understanding of this unknown place, leaving a lasting effect on me regardless of how near or far it actually was from the truth. After an hour or so of this surreal island living, one word (or name) came to mind: Stepford.

The entire island has an oasis of serenity, nothing troubled, nothing out of place. The condos and homes lining the streets are painted in pastels with big white porches hanging off of every floor, the sidewalks are clean, people keep to themselves, there are numerous coffee shops, donut shops, ice cream parlors, delis that give the Island even more of a unique character. There is the boardwalk which is a few blocks down from where the students and staff are residing, which everyday is full of people of all ages. Is this reality? People actually spend their entire year living in a place like this?

As staff, we are about to finish our forth week here on Project, and we have another four to go. We find ourselves at the halfway point in Project, realizing the time that we have had has flown by and not ignoring the fact that the next four will come just as quickly if not quicker. I have learned to embrace this “Stepford Reality” and look at both the pros and cons of this living situation that I have found myself in. As a Project we have 35 staff members and 101(?) students who have traveled from all over the country to spend their summer here in Ocean City, NJ. I have never seen a staff team (especially the Leadership) who are so wise and passionate about their job. I have been able to observe how the married couples (with and/or without children) relate, speak and love one another, I have been able to see how determined they are to make God the center of their marriage and their lives, which has only deepened that desire in my own heart. The students here are the “spiritual-breadwinners”. They are passionate, on-fire for Jesus and want to do everything to serve and Love Him with their complete hearts. Seeing all of these things has only encouraged and blessed me since being here.

It’s the ideal ministry world. I have the most beautiful and wonderful (5) girls who I have been given the privilidge to disciple while I’m here and lead an Action Group with. We have the ideal staff team, where people are alligned and excited for why they are here and for what they’re doing, the ideal opportunities and conversations while we spend hours on the boardwalk/beach sharing, the ideal weekly meetings and talks that have been prepared for the Project, the ideal amount of time set aside for personal devotional times (2 hours)… everything, taking on that “Stepford” feeling of perfection. I am in a “Spiritual Bubble”… and I am loving it. However, I need to realize that when I return home (personal life, church, home campuses, staff team, students, etc) things aren’t perfect (and really, things aren’t perfect here on the Island either). In preparation of leaving the Island, I need to realize that this entire experience has been and will continue to be a “mountain top” experience. The total eight weeks that I will be so blessed to be able to spend here on Project will be the highlight of my ministry, and that it’s the best of so many worlds thrown onto one island off the coast of New Jersey.

It’s important for me to realize that I shouldn’t think too much into this idea that Project is the “ideal, perfect world” (because it isn’t). Really, I, and the Project itself, has been blessed by the staff, the students and the location that we’ve been given, to really make this Project an amazing experience for all of those who are involved. For the next four weeks, I hope and pray to allow myself to dive in even deeper with the circumstances and opportunities that have been given to me, to take FULL ADVANTAGE of these “ideal things”, and to really allow it to be a refreshing time for me as I engage in this community, these relationships and the training that I am getting as a staff member. As I return, I only hope that I would be able to take what I have learned and apply these things to my life at home.

Growth in the Christian life is taking simple truths deeper. This statement is so true in regards to my experience and understanding of the Holy Spirit and the relationship that we can have with Him. For those of you who are reading and who don’t have a personal relationship with God and a clear understanding of the Trinity and the character of the Holy Spirit, it may sound odd to you that you can have a relationship with the Holy Spirit. I’ve been there.

The Holy Spirit is the bridge that those who have accepted Jesus Christ into their hearts as Lord and Savior, have between themselves and God. It is a real person who came to reside in us, after Jesus died and rose again ascending into Heaven. As it says in John 14:16-18: “I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever; the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not behold Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you, and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”

When you first think of the Holy Spirit, you may think of it as a mist, something intangible … however, it is not. So often the Spirit is mistaken as a vague, impersonal force that we can never obtain ourselves. He (the Holy Spirit) is a personal, equal to God the Father and God the Son (Jesus). God is Father, Son and Holy Spirit. They are just as much individual persons as they are One. When someone believes in and accepts Christ into their hearts (John 1:12-13; John 3:3-21), God resides in that person through the Holy Spirit (1Cor. 3:16). The Holy Spirit has intellect (1Cor. 2:11), emotion (Rom. 15:30), and will (1Cor. 12:11)

—

Last night, one of our directors of the Ocean City Summer Project, Bob Fuhs spoke on the person and work of the Holy Spirit. It wasn’t until after I began to understand the “Spirit Filled Life” that my heart began to THIRST after Christ. Before, I felt complacent, uninterested, exhausted, I ignored the stirrings in my heart and the rush of adrenaline going through my veins, pushing them off as a side effect of anxiety or nervousness. When I heard about the priviledge that Christians have to live by the Holy Spirit, my perspective on life, myself and relationship with God changed radically. It was no longer I who lived, but Christ who lived in me (Galatians 2:20).

By learning the hard way (and I still find myself falling into this), the Christian life is impossible to live on your own. So often I find myself in a place where I am depending on my own strength, my capabilities, my gifts, talents, energy, sense of humor (etc), and by the end of the day I have given everything I could offer and 1) it still isn’t good enough and 2) I am burnt out. I’m depending on my own Operating System (OS). I find myself in one of these two places: confidence without humility (prideful, judgemental, dependent on my own strength, blinded by my faults/weaknesses, no room for the Holy Spirit) or humility without confidence (continual feelings of failure and confession, no hope for change, mindset that 50% is good enough). The Christian life is what goes on IN YOU not around you. Once you accept Christ, you receive everything that you could ever need. We are recharged and are given a new Operating System (OS)= the Holy Spirit (HS).

Unlike the Old Testament, as believers in Christ we are able to experience the presence of the Living God INSIDE OF US, rather than separation from it. The mystery has been revealed (Colossians 1:24-29) that the “glories of riches of this mystery is Christ in You”. The curtain of the temple has been torn in two, so now everyone who calls on the name of Jesus and believes in Him can have access to God Himself. We are included in Christ when we’ve heard the message of truth and choose to believe, MARKED WITH A SEAL, THE PROMISED HOLY SPIRIT (Ephesians 1:13).

As Bob closed the night, he challenged us to meditate on the idea that God’s Spirit lives inside of us, to develop a personal relationship with the Holy Spirit and allow Him to resonate within us. As I spend more time reflecting on this and as I apply these (freely given) truths to my life, I pray and expect for the Love that I have for God to grow deeper as I learn to live and walk in His Spirit.

“My new OS is the HS.”

(all credit goes to Bob Fuhs and everystudent.com).

We are unable to celebrate the joy of what comes with Easter without recognizing what happened today. God is a God of light. He can’t tolerate darkness, and today was the day he allowed all darkness to fall on the shoulders of His son, Jesus. He, who was completely blameless and sinless took on all sin, and experienced the full wrath of God. On the cross, Jesus was cut off from his Father, standing where we should be.

In God’s awesome mercy, He sends His own Son into the darkness, so that we may live in the light! How amazing is this gift!? How undeserving are we to receive this act of Love, mercy, grace, sacrifice… And so very little do we ever give ourselves to Christ as God did for us. The sacrifice God made for us was something that was a PART of Himself… His own CHILD! He willed for His son to cover the one thing He hated most- sin, allowing us to come into relationship with Him. It’s a choice that we have, whether to live in light or darkness. The price has already been paid.

As I think and reflect on my own life, and as I try to plan and prepare myself for the future: career paths, school, new relationships, dreams and aspirations, what I’d like to accomplish and make for myself… is Jesus in the equation? Sacrifice is hard for me. I want to be comfortable, I want to be successful, healthy, experience life to the fullest, have a healthy relationship, but I am realizing, especially as I reflect on the sacrifice that was made for me today, that none of these things matter without Jesus. There isn’t anything I could give that could ever compare to the sacrifice of Christ. The closest I could come is my own life. It’s a day-to-day battle, choosing Christ, choosing His will, His Life, and leaving my own behind.

I am allowing this to sink in today, reflecting on who I’ve been and who I want to be.
God gave his most prized possession up two thousand years ago for us. It’s a sacrifice that can never be repaid, can never be earned, and by believing in Jesus, we are blessed to receive life in eternity with God Himself.

A mixtape.
One of my favorite things.

Whether it’s made by yourself or by another, it’s something so unique in and of itself. They’re never alike. 18 songs, when put together develop their own personality, their own story, and it tells you so much about the one who made it. What they are thinking, feeling, dreaming of, what they listen to past midnight, the most played songs on their iTunes, music that is shared because of special meaning, childhood memories, songs that hit heartstrings in ways others can’t… Every mix has a story. Every song worth listening to, especially if it’s one you receive. Skipping over one 3:42 minute track takes away from the entire mix.

My current mix (in no particular order):
Sweetness (Pearl and the Beard)
Another Day (Pomplamoose)
Carry Your Name (Christy Nockels)
Yellow (Sara Bareilles)
Why Walk When You Can Fly (Mary Chapin Carpenter)
Gulf Coast Highway (Nanci Griffith)
Little Lion Man (Mumford & Sons)
King of Spain (The Tallest Man on Earth)
Washed by the Water (Needtobreathe)
E.T. (Katy Perry– because I LOVE her!)
Satellite (Dave Matthews Band)
Are We There Yet (Ingrid Michaelson)
Someday (Tegan and Sara)
I Want You Back (The Civil Wars)
The Blowers Daughter (Damien Rice)
Woods (Bon Iver)

This verse was shared with me the other night and immediately it struck me. I have found myself reading it over and over again, picking it apart, analyzing it, chewing on it… and the more I read it, the deeper it touches me, more things are revealed. As Paul writes this, it is not out of false humility or exaggerated speech, as it is a true assessment. One of the most beautiful things about this verse is that it allows us to remove any barriers that we have placed in front of ourselves because clearly, Paul states that it has nothing to do with us. It signifies that power of God’s grace, mercy and PATIENCE that is freely given to us

This past week my sister visited from South Carolina. Looking back on our relationship, our lives and reflecting on the dreams that we have made for ourselves, I am thankful. We have been blessed to have amazing, supportive parents, a comfortable lifestyle and opportunity at our fingertips. The time spent together was full of laughs, coffee, delicious food, movies, shopping, catching up, acting foolish, and yes, some bickering. All-in-all, I would have to say that it was one of the best times spent with her. We’re growing up, we are living our own lives, experiencing new things, and are still able to have a little fun on the side.