Psalm 145:18-19

The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desire of those who fear him;
he also hears their cry and saves them.
(Psalm 145:18-19)

At times I feel like everything is plotting against me in order to become an obstacle of me receiving God’s blessing. Recently I have been struggling in believing that God wants me to have the “greatest joy”. Over the past few weeks I have been going through difficulties and many trials, and I have had a hard time grasping onto the idea that even though I am going through all of this pain and heartache, God wants the best for me. However… in order for us to receive the greatest joy, we have to show God’s “greatest glory”, and I find that that is where I am lacking. But here is the issue: how do I give God glory when I don’t know how to? I have been struggling with this aspect of my faith because when I am going through trials… and when I feel like God isn’t with me and that He has forsaken me, how can I glorify Him? I feel like I won’t be able to glorify Him in the way that He is WORTHY to be glorified.

As followers of Christ, we are to turn to Christ when we are in need, and that is shown in Philippians 4:6 “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God”. God wants us to turn to Him in times of need and when we are in desire of something. The problem that I have, is when God is filling my need in a way that I don’t expect, or in a way that is opposite of what I want. That is when I feel as if God has left me… knowing that He hasn’t, but making myself believe He has. I have come to terms of realizing that the way my mind works is awfully skewed. I try to figure things out on my own, by taking control of situations and thinking that analyzing every little detail will bring me to the conclusion quicker, than if I were to turn to God in those times of need.

It’s a constant battle of knowing and believing. I feel that I am constantly praying for wisdom and knowledge in God’s word, and in His truth… but I hardly ever pray to believe it. It’s as if I just think that it’s a 2-in-1 deal; that when I pray for knowledge, I’ll gain a heart and the belief as well. I feel that some of the strongest believers are those that have just come to the faith. They are those who are on fire for something that is so greater and bigger than they could ever imagine, and they don’t even have the words to explain it. They are in such awe, and so ignorant (and I still am and always will be), that all they can do is believe and put their faith in this Divine Power. Throughout my experience, I find that the more I know, more questions arise, and I then find myself doubting. There are then those times, where I admit, that the more I know, the more I stop seeking, because I then lean on my own understanding. I, for some reason or another, think that the wisdom that I have found, the faith that I have is enough to get me through. It’s totally subconscious but it burdens me more than I tend to realize.

We are told to humble ourselves… to YEARN for God’s will over anything else, even over what we think is best, realizing that He may have something even better planned for us… Then God may remove or alter certain longings so that our desires begin to align with His. I don’t remember where I found this, but this quote is something I find myself turning back to over and over again:

“God often takes a course for accomplishing His purposes directly contrary to what our narrow views would prescribe. He brings death upon our feelings, wishes, and prospects when He is about to give us the desires of our hearts” (John Newton)

I pray for the desire to only desire God. It seems impossible, but it makes sense. If I were to only desire God, then the desires that I would have would be because of the desires that He’d give me… that I would only desire things of God rather than things of this world. It’s the discernment of this, which tends to be my issue, but it would make everything so much clearer. I hope to be able to seek God, to glorify Him in all that I do and hope for; to strive to honor Him and focus on Him, and it is then, when He’ll give me the desires of my heart, because my heart would be His rather than for anyone else. With this, we are to approach God with confidence and FAITH. I need to seek His will in anticipation that He will answer me… however, it could be in a way that I don’t expect or that I’m not looking for. I need to learn to wait expectantly, with HIS will in mind, rather than my own.